Picture this you sit in your room blankly staring at the wall thinking about how nothing you do matters, everyone you know, and love will forget you one day and pizza. After ordering Uber Eats and depleting your (parents’) already low funds you feel better. But only for a brief moment until you remember you should have spent your money on something more useful, like drugs. 

Now being well-fed you have even more energy to think about everything you are currently lacking in your miserable life. As you sit on your kitchen table shirt full of marinara sauce and the reminiscence of what used to be called an “entire pizza” 3 minutes ago, you think “Is there anything I can do to feel better?”

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Well, my friend, do not worry because I have the answer!

Probably not bud, that sounds like one hell of a mess you´re in. 

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Now let me tell ya about some games!

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The first game I will be reviewing is one that I have very fond memories of. I learned it very early in my childhood and can happily say that it was my dad himself who taught it to me. I myself am still competing in my very first game and am very proud to say that it has been going for the last 17 years. Of course, I am talking about Hide and Seek.

The game itself is quite simple, one person fulfills the role of the seeker and must look for all the other people involved in the game (who have had a head start to hide). My father, whose face I can only vaguely remember and whom I only know through stories, turns out to be a professional of the game. Explaining why I am still having such a hard time finding him. He is also apparently very adamant about playing the game properly since he has not accepted me trying to give up continuously. This game is fun for the whole family as long as you don’t play like my dad.

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Pls come back I really miss you dad/10

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The second game I will be reviewing is Pin the tail of the Donkey. I first played this game at a birthday party of a close friend (now long forgotten friend) when I was 11 years old. It was the single greatest experience of my young life. First plunged into darkness, my eyes only covered by the thin vale of a questionably stained kitchen rug, I was given the instrument with which I would conduct this symphony of fun and merriment. Like a young Luke Skywalker I then, only reliant on my God-given intuition, had to seek out the destination which I would bestow with the tail. I was scared at first since I did not want to disappoint the crowd around me and bring shame to me and what was left of my family. But then a voice in me guided me towards the much-coveted donkey behind. Then when I felt like the time had come, I shot my hand forward with all the vigor I had and waited. After what felt like an eternity but must have only been a brief moment, I heard the crowd erupt into cheers and chants of my name. I had done it!

 

But something had changed, for the days after my glorious victory I could think of nothing but pinning tails. Every thought I had, everything I dreamt off was to relive that glorious ecstasy that I achieved that fateful day. I bought my own game set and started playing day and night, but it was not enough. I was not sleeping, not eating and after a few months of this I was even expelled from my school for pinning another student. But I could not stop myself. I had to pin all donkeys and rid the earth of all taillessness. I hatched a plan; I would create an Uberdonkey, one that would put all the others to shame with the sheer number of tails it would bear. I quickly made my way to a nearby farm and under the cover of the night stole one of their donkeys. But just before I could start my magnum opus my room was raided by police. Alas I had forgotten a small detail that compromised my entire plan, I was an 11-year-old child and my parents had noticed the fully grown donkey and “Human-Centipede” style equipment I had bought on our shared Amazon account. After spending the rest of my youth in a special facility I now have a job for deranged people just like me. Yes, you heard right I have sunken to the lowest point any man or woman can ever sink to, I have tenure as a monetarist economics professor (and yes, I do strongly believe in trickle-down-economics). 

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What is deficit-spending/10 

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The last game I will be reviewing is Uno because who doesn’t like Uno!

9/10

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Well, we have truly learned a lot today, haven’t we? I mean not from this specific article, but I am sure you have done something else of value. If you have any suggestions of what you want me to review next please keep them to yourself, I am not your monkey!